1. |
Randy
04:59
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RANDY
You can still make out his name
Writ large on the railroad bridge
The letters may have faded
But the memories live
Older and wiser, he lived in a world
Where girls were good to go
His parties never got busted
And the beer was always cold
Six pack alley piss
Bad breath French kiss
RANDY!
Tell me where, tell me where, tell me where
Has your bad ass gone?
Randy knew his way ‘round a tube top
And his finger smelled so sweet
He never had to pay for a hot dog
‘Cause he killed his own meat
The Spanish called him amigo
The Hebrews called him a mensch
As far as I’m concerned
He was a bad ass son of a bitch
Blue jean heartache
Corn belt plumber snake
RANDY!
Tell me where, tell me where, tell me where
Has your bad ass gone?
Oh Randy, you were the paragon of manhood that I yearned to be
I wish you didn’t run away when I was just 14
Oh Randy, I never had a chance to say goodbye
But I found a pair of your jeans
In the ditch where you taught me to smoke
Now and then, old friend, I leave the world behind
To go the way of the jeans inside my mind
Randy dated my big sister
I hoped he’d be my brother-in-law
My parents couldn’t stand him
They were jealous - that’s all
Some say he’s rotting in prison
Others say he died in Iraq
I don’t care much about Jesus
‘Til Randy comes back!
Crack a whippet, take a toke
Master of the whisker poke
Back room, pool cue
Sweet Tammy chalky blue
RANDY!
Tell me where, tell me where, tell me where
Has your bad ass gone
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2. |
Do the Fonkey Horsey
04:10
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DO THE FONKEY HORSEY
Well there’s some geeked-out boys in Texas
Who tried to find a brand new dance
At a white collar redneck strip mall beer barn
Where they didn’t stand a chance
They should’ve just learned the two-step
And let it go at that
Cause they turned off ev’ry Lone Star lady
When they broke into that spaz attack
Cause they do the fonkey horsey (do the fonkey horsey)
Do the fonkey horsey (do the fonkey horsey)
Do the fonkey horsey (do the fonkey horsey)
Do the fonkey horsey (do the fonkey horsey)
Do the fonkey horsey
Nay nay whinny winny!
Nay nay whinny winny!
Nay whinny whinny!
Nay nay!
From behind the Piney Curtain
To the dusty, windswept plain
Every blond-haired, blue-eyed beauty
Didn’t want a thing to do with them
They should’ve just done the Cotton Eyed Joe
In a backward Titleist cap
Cause ya ain’t gonna get the ladies
When your dance steps step in crap
I kick, I thrust, I jog, I spin
I bob, Irene, IHOP, I grin
I jiggy, I jaggy, I trip, I fall
And with a nine-gallon hat I’ll make a cattle call
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3. |
Love Letters to Heather
02:46
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LOVE LETTERS TO HEATHER
This can’t go on, this can’t be right tonight
Find no words to say
Anyway, whatever, LOL, know what I’m saying?
I know it’s so stupid
I know, right?
This can’t be right
Love letters to Heather
Lost inside my mind
Love letters to Heather
Will I ever find the right words to say?
Love letters to Heather
Locked inside my mind
Love letters to Heather
Will I ever find the right words to say?
Monday through Friday after school
And I can’t stop looking at you
‘Til they come to take you away
I get lost so I can find a way
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4. |
Sock Wearin' Man
05:45
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SOCK WEARIN’ MAN
Son I’m so sorry, but Batman can’t come to your birthday this year
Though I can’t afford much, I want to reward you for being the child I hold dear
So I scoured the phone book for cowboys and clowns
Til’ one night at the bar on the hood of my car where a lost entertainer was found
Sock wearin’ man (sock wearin’ man)
Sock wearin’ man (he’s a sock wearin’ man)
Sock wearin’ man
He wears socks
He had a kids show four decades ago that aired on local T.V.
He did puppet plays that were funny and gay with socks on his hands and his feet
His socks told great stories that spanned space and time
But I didn’t know that he’d just sold his sock back for a jug of cheap Mexican wine
He banged on the screen door two hours before the party was supposed to begin
He wore an old bathrobe and terrycloth shorts and a menacing, boozy-breathed grin
He screamed, “Merry Christmas! I’m here for my show!”
“Though I’ve lost all my props to the grapes and the hops, I’ve still got these ten callused toes
I quickly slipped sock man a folded up Jackson and tried to say thanks but no thanks
He cursed me and cussed me and blind sucker-punched me – I ached as he stumbled away
My son threw his party hat down and he cried
He called his mother who lives in the suburbs and screamed, “Daddy lied! Daddy lied!”
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5. |
Faulter
04:22
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FAULTER
Sun-baked signs
The colors fade away
'til everything assumes a neutral beige
They changed the wrap
And now it tastes like crap
Or maybe things were always just this way
The past preserved
We get what we deserve
Nostalgia and diminishing returns
Each passing spring
Slightly less glistening
Our furrowed fruits start rotting on the vine
The spotlight wanes
We’re too tired to complain
Of things to which we all must get resigned
We wouldn’t want it any other way
In the new age, the old ways faulter
Sheep-dipped assassin, come and take it all away
In the new age, the old ways faulter
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6. |
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(GOIN’ BACK TO) PITTSBURGH
Idle hands on a Friday night
A guy like me would be doin’ alright
In Pittsburgh
Hot pastrami and a cool steel brew
A tank top honey who knows what to do
In Pittsburgh
Yeah, the guys are stoked and the girls are stacked
I’m-a long gone, Tommy, but I’m gonna get back
To Pittsburgh
I moved down here in ‘75
The jobs dried up, dad couldn’t survive
In Pittsburgh
Subdivided on a concrete slab
The money’s pretty good, but this town is drag
Not Pittsburgh
Yeah, the air was cold and the hills were steep
But a hard day’s work bought a good night’s sleep
In Pittsburgh
Another summer in the goddamn sun
I can’t take it, so I’m making the run
To Pittsburgh
Hook up with an old girlfriend
Pound on the glass, pull for the Pens
In Pittsburgh
Pack a U-Haul trailer with all of my charms
And ride the Fort Pitt Tunnel straight into the arms
Of Pittsburgh
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7. |
Rocketship Cars
03:29
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ROCKETSHIP CARS
Rocketship cars are clearing the freeway
Rocketship cars don’t need no right of way
Rocketship cars are here to stay right now
It’s hard to get down when you can hardly stand up
You played the perfect clown until you lost your fool makeup
Time to make a run, time to take a trip
Time to move along, no time to be hip
Go follow the path that just cannot be found
You stumble ‘cross town when it's time to wake on up
If you want to win the crown you better make your damn mind up
Time to twist and shout, time to shake a hip
Time to pile it on, it's time to shut your lip
Go follow the path that just cannot be found
‘Cause rocketship cars are clearing the freeway
Rocketship cars don’t need no right of way
Rocketship cars are here to stay right now
Man and a monkey, man and a monkey...
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8. |
Whup Creem
02:28
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WHUP CREEM
My lady’s got a stately war chest
My lady she’s statuesque
My lady gonna shake and bake
My lady’s got some tasty cake
I want some whup creem!
Right on top
I want some whup creem!
Baby ready or not
I want some whup creem!
She’s a whupping machine
I want a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, yeah
My baby’s like a bumblebee
Stinging every man she wants to sting
Squeeze the milk in her honeycomb
Shake it ‘til there’s some sweet white foam
I want some whup creem!
Sprinkled with nuts
I want some whup creem!
Write my name on her butt
I want some whup creem!
That’s some comfort cuisine
I want a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop…
Make me wanna...
Hey baby I’m not ready to stop
Wet your biscuit and get back on top
Two scoops and I’m ready to drop
I want a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop…
Make me wanna holler
Make me wanna holler
Make me wanna holler
Make me want a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop, a dollop
Make me wanna – glory to your shortcakes
Whup creem!
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9. |
College
06:29
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COLLEGE
The look and the feel of the breasts on a girl
In your room in your first year of college
It might be beer induced but your mind is feeling loose
And your parents they soon will be calling
Hangin' out while you do a load of wash
Eatin' Taco Bell and playing the Sega
You try to keep in touch with ten girls but what the fuck
You might hook up with one on the break
And we are (yes we are) binge drinking (binge drinking)
We've not yet (been to our) our classes (our classes but it's)
Only November and we can't be expected to attend
The end of the year you sell your books to buy some beer
And you find yourself at home watching Oprah
There's that one guy down the hall and you think his name is "Paul"
But you'd almost rather go home for Christmas
Here it is the spring and you face two incompletes
But now you've finally sat down to study
After two paragraphs you stop and do the math
And figure out there's time for drinks with your buddies
And we are (yes we are) binge drinking (binge drinking)
We've not yet (been to our) our classes (our classes but it's)
Only November and we can't be expected to attend
This morning I woke up crying
To a lap full of vomit and the smell of burning eggs
I got up and had a shit, shower, and shave
Then I stumbled through the kitchen past the kegs
I'm tired of the partying life
I'm sick of the partying crowd
No more endless nights of being loud
I'm tired of the partying life
I'm sick of the partying way
I guess that means I'm getting old, but that's okay
In the backyard there's a dog named "Shithead"
But there's not a blade of grass to be found
And on the front porch we got three couches
And the drive-thru sign from the Burger King downtown
This evening there'll be another party
Don't you know I've made obligations to attend
But you know what? I think I'm gonna skip it
I gotta do some catching up with my old friends
I'm tired of the partying life
I'm sick of the partying crowd
No more endless nights of being loud
I'm tired of the partying life
I'm sick of the partying way
I guess that means I'm getting old, but that's okay
Now it's May and it's time to go away
But you got yourself some friends and a honey
So you call up your dad and you say he should be glad
Cuz you've found a way to stay and save money
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10. |
Sweet Chevron Schitter
04:14
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SWEET CHEVRON SCHITTER
Sweet Chevron Schitter
She reminded me of my old babysitter
Looking so sweet, perched up on that can
She didn’t lock the door and I barrelled right in
And that split second set my soul a-flitter
Well, the gas station coffee left me feelin’ clean
Now I’m tortured by an unseemly vision that can’t be unseen
She had a tattoo of a little blue sparrow
At about 2 o’clock from her shaven red arrow
And that’s the kind of monkey that could turn me into Clarence Darrow
Sweet Chevron Schitter
Sweet Chevron Schitter
Sweet Chevron Schitter
Think I’m gonna go back there and get her
Meanwhile back at the wagon, the family awaits
Screaming for Disney while dad tries to set things straight
I swore I saw the beginnings of a smile
As I begged for her pardon in the beverage aisle
Then she bought herself some hot fries and peeled out on the Interstate
Sweet Chevron Schitter
Sweet Chevron Schitter
Sweet Chevron Schitter
Think I’m gonna go back there and get her
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11. |
Reckless Tammy
04:51
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RECKLESS TAMMY
I don’t mind the smack
Of her catty-minded prose
But the way she’s drivin’
Girl, that’s got to go
She’s rollin’ through the stop signs
Like she think she’s something big
You’ll think you’ve seen the Holy Ghost of Earnhardt in a wig
She’s a Reckless Tammy
Poured into her jeans
Fondling her Cricket
In a beat-up SUV
Whoa, Tammy
Jellies to the floor
Watch her topping 105
On Highway 104
I must admit she’s fetching
When she smokes those cigarettes
Holding forth with raspy wit
Just like Suzanne Pleshette
But speak not of her mama
Or her third ex-hubby Trey
Lest you reveal the drama fuel’d by pills and Chardonnay
She’s a Reckless Tammy
Kickin’ up some dust
Rhinestones on her visors
While her chassis start to rust
Whoa, Tammy
Speeding through the lights
Don’t give her the finger
Unless you want a fight
I don’t mind the stench
Of her iridescent yack
But the way she’s drivin’
Girl, please dial it back
Let’s make the world a safer place
For ev’ry Jilted Jane
Don’t have to end your bender, but you’d better pick a lane
She’s a Reckless Tammy
Fighting middle age
Sings along with Seger
But she’ll never turn the page
Whoa, Tammy
A bottle on the floor
Crashed into the bushes
Beside Highway 104
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12. |
Happiness
03:55
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The Ron Titter Band Austin, Texas
The Ron Titter Band delivers great heaping dollops of succulent DILF rock with hints of cornpone, green-eyed soul and spaz-punk. Join us in the hot tub!
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